In Austin yesterday, implementation of a new, quietly passed city ordinance was begun by the city police department. This new ordinance, designed to reduce the self loathing of department officers who have failed to maintain their own physical conditioning, is intended to improve their own morale by removing from their sight anyone who is more fit than them. “We must maintain the self esteem of our officers, who may have some issues with resisting the temptations at the local Krispy Kreme”, said Chief Art Acevedo, who defended the recent police actions. As part of the new city policy, officers are directed to remove from the street anyone who offends them by their good physical condition. The first such action occurred yesterday morning, on 24th Street, when two APD officers, who are so out of shape that they can’t keep their gun belts up around their waists, confronted jogger Amanda Jo Stephen, aged 24, due to her excessive good physical condition. “We just can’t have this kind of public display of fitness,” said the Chief in a follow up statement. “These excessively fit people pose a clear and present threat to our own officers, especially since they remind them of their own slovenly appearance. We simply can’t have that.”
Since these excessively fit people are generally law abiding students or professionals, the police have had to resort to creative charges against them in order to justify their arrest and removal from the street. In Amanda’s case, the police determined probable cause to handcuff, humiliate, and arrest her for “failure to identify” since she wasn’t carrying a driver’s license in her running shorts. “We simply can’t have this kind of lawless fitness in Austin,” said Chief Acevedo. “We must clear our streets of all sources of demotivation for our officers. After all, for them to be effective, they must feel superior to the citizens they supervise at all times. If they don’t feel superior, they can’t control the population. That’s unacceptable.” Apparently, Amanda was so fit and the officers were so physically deficient that they had to call for backup of two other officers to drag the 105 lb. jogger to the police cruiser.
The arrest was recorded on video, causing quite a stir among fit people all over Austin. In his statement Chief Acevedo continued, “She did the limp routine, and in 28 years of law enforcement, I can tell you it happens all the time. Quite frankly she wasn’t charged with resisting and she’s lucky I wasn’t the arresting officer because I wouldn’t have been as generous. After all, we can’t have officers having to chase or carry joggers when they are so overweight themselves that they are physically unable to do that.”
Of course. A jogger, assaulted by poorly conditioned officers and being arrested for a normally garden variety traffic violation, handcuffed and publicly displayed on a sidewalk, should not respond in any way. Under the new Austin ordinance, all Constitutional rights are automatically forfeited by all people deemed by police to be too fit. All out of shape officers are directed to show no compassion, listen to any explanation, or exercise any judgement. They should immediately handcuff and drag all excessively fit perpetrators to jail. So here’s a warning to all fit people in Austin…do not jog anywhere in central Austin. If you do decide to take that risk, be sure to wear a T-shirt with your name, address, Social Security Number, and Driver’s License number emblazoned on the front. If stopped, throw your hands over your head and scream, “I confess!” While waving your passport, driver’s license, and student ID. Ask no questions. Make no fat jokes. Resist in no way. Maybe, just maybe, poorly conditioned APD officers won’t beat you with a nightstick on the way to jail.
At least you’ve now been warned.