I am a really popular guy around these parts these days. With my clumsy use of the despicable Mr. Bauer I figured I should parlay this high popularity to put forth the following modest proposal. I want to talk about man loved and adored by all. He is a humanitarian and renaissance man. I am talking about the one and only Richard Cheney. He may have only advanced to the humble position of vice president, but he utilized the high influence and importance of his position to reach heights no vice president has ever reached.
Sure, he manufactured a war on false pretenses and lied to the American public. Still, he is no waffler. He has maintained his same WMD story long after it has been proven false. You have to admire a man that will stick to the same lie through thick and thin. How often do you see our political leaders change their minds when new evidence comes to light? It’s almost as if they are governed by some kind of foreign power known as rationality. Here’s to the courage of one who has taken a stance and stuck to that stance despite all evidence to the contrary.
Okay, okay fine, he parlayed two foreign wars into billions of dollars for the company that he was once a CEO for. What’s wrong with that? Are you telling me that this is some sort of crime? Oh wait a minute, I guess it is, but it was for the greater good. Call him the Robin Hood of the new millennium. It is oh so boring to steal from the rich and give to the poor. The 21st century avenger steals from the taxpayer and gives to the billionaire. So, he’s not a crook, he’s an innovator.
Richard Cheney is also a brave patriot. Those ACLU and Amnesty International whackos have this weird notion that accused terrorists and potential collaborators should have some human rights. Rights smites. The notion of rights of the accused has only been around since 1215. Maybe we should wait until jurisprudence is at least 800 years old before we rush to judgment on this. I mean, maybe this is just a passing fad. Kudos to Cheney for defending torture. Sure, it’s cruel and it makes America look bad. Sure, torture doesn’t lead to any good information. You are saying this as if those are important points to make. It is more important that people think we are tough and strong then they actually want to work with us and that we have an actual policy that works. A true visionary this Cheney.
Finally, you get the inevitable financial crash. This is where Cheney and his minions shine. Nothing says support for your struggling populace like a bail-out to their bankers and spending American lives, American money, and American brainpower thousands of miles from home. Don’t you know that putting food on your table and a roof over your head is less important than defeating the Taliban? Come on people, get with the program. Sure, your retirement fund might be in the toilet, but Saddam Hussein is dead. Twenty years from now when you aren’t taking that vacation you always wanted you can feel better knowing a third rate pesky dictator was assassinated by a government propped up by our government and the great Dick Cheney.
Sure, thousands of Iraqi citizens and Afghan citizens are dead. They didn’t do anything wrong, but let’s be honest with ourselves. We are expecting less of our children in our schools so why not less of our leaders? Cheney killed in the thousands, but Hitler and Stalin killed in the millions. Leaders like Chairman Mao and Fidel Castro ruined their nations’ economies for more than a generation. Sure, he wrongfully imprisoned some innocent people, but Roosevelt and Truman had their internment camps. He’s not as bad as those guys, so he might as well me man of the year right?